


Hubris

by Liliriu



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Fate, M/M, POV Nagisa Kaworu, Romance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:01:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24277810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliriu/pseuds/Liliriu
Summary: An attempt to gaze into Kaworu's mind during his brief time with Shinji. I tried to keep this as faithful to the canon as possible with such an awfully confusing canon. In other words, this is one interpretation of Kaworu's character, which I find plausible.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	Hubris

Kaworu is sat on a rock sticking out from the water infected by the wreckage around, the blood-red sunset reflected all over. His teenage heart pounds violently and Ode to Joy is playing in his multidimensional mind. His thoughts, which follow the music’s rhythm: this is the day in which he will meet him, the one whom he is meant to love. Ikari Shinji, what kind of man will he be? Will he be beautiful? Kaworu had always been fond of beautiful things! Sensually beautiful, like poetry, nature and his face in the mirror; and abstractly beautiful, like logic, ideas and numbers; and then there is music, the perfect synthesis of both, the pinnacle of Lilin civilization! Oh, he really hopes that Ikari Shinji will be beautiful… tall, and confident, and beautiful… He feels himself trembling with anticipation!

He hears steps behind him, yet does not turn his head, not yet. But the music overflows his mind and he starts humming out loud, one more moment… one more… let’s let his image stick in the other’s memory… And when he finally looks behind, the music goes silent, and cold disappointment fills his heart.

The boy is neither tall, nor confident, nor beautiful… nothing but a skinny child. Kaworu had not anticipated this outcome.

But in the absence of an alternative, he plays along and start seducing as planned, displaying a subtle amalgamation of flattery, self-praise and faux modesty. Despite all, he feels that he has scored a point when the other boy’s face is covered by blush.

***

He gets to see more of this blush in the next evening; his synch tests are over, and he finds Shinji waiting for him. All tainted red, his face is a lovely one. He says something about a bath, and for a moment Kaworu thinks that there is no way it is not in purpose… Yet Shinji does not seem the type.

But now Kaworu cannot stop himself from wondering, how does the boy’s body look under those clothes? He has already witnessed his thinness displayed under the gloriously tight uniform, but what about the texture; is it solid or soft? And the color of the skin, bronzed or fair? So much to find out! Uttering kind words, Kaworu gets his permission to tag along.

Although, if he is reading the situation correctly (and he is usually not wrong), Shinji wants this as much as himself.

***

Reclining inside the warm water, Kaworu closes his eyes and tries to relax. Shinji’s body is skinny yet solid, he has a narrow, flat belly, and a wonderfully perky ass. His skin is pale, yet possesses the faintest golden sheen. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if he were to lean this body on Kaworu’s?

Sadly, the boy keeps his distance. How to get him to come out of his shell? Should Kaworu flatter, or tease…? Or perhaps… Some sweet, understanding words… Kaworu improvises as he goes… And yes, now he has Shinji’s attention, the moment is perfect: Kaworu places his hand over the other boy’s. The look in Shinji’s face is the cutest: a mixture of astonishment and awe, almost feline, with those huge, deep blue eyes…

And the lights of the facility go out, as if some evil God did not want homoerotic times to happen in His guard.

But Kaworu wants more of this boy, for he now sees him as he is; a frail vessel shielding an even frailer soul. He visualizes it as a crystal vase, as precious as easy to be shattered, and he wants to protect it, he lusts for protecting it, and isn’t he lucky, because he soon will. This was all he had ever desired yet had never realized, so impossibly good, he knows that he was born for this, everything makes sense now and he just has to have more of this exquisite boy…

Shinji says something about going to bed, and Kaworu cannot help but tease, since otherwise he would be getting down on his knees, begging to be allowed to join him. He adds some flattery over the teasing, and on a strike of inspiration, confesses what he feels.

At the end, Shinji gives in, as Kaworu knew that he would, and stays in his apartment for the night. They lie in different beds, but Kaworu is not in a rush. Only watching the other boy sleep is a whole new sensation, a whole new thrill.

***

The following days, he spends floating on a cloud. He wakes up every morning with Shinji’s face in his mind, and takes every opportunity to talk to him and touch him. But nothing sexual, not yet. Neither he demands a response to the confession he has made. He understands that the boy is delicate and must be approached slowly and with care. But it is fine; it is wonderful enough to see him every day, to just sense that he loves Kaworu back. Every night, he embraces his love’s shadow, pictures his body with every light and from every angle, visualizes every piece of his skin. But whenever the climax arrives, Kaworu invariably imagines himself holding Shinji tight. And he is making progress, he is sure that they will get there eventually. There might not be enough time, though, but it is also fine; because their love will be consummated, and it will be the most marvelous consummation, so much more than just ordinary sex.

***

Kaworu can feel that the time is coming. In his last conference with SEEL, his feeling is confirmed. They wish to start the Human Instrumentality Project, which, oddly, they call the “Pandora’s Box” now; they want to release what they call hope. Kaworu does not understand Lilins’ concept of hope. Yet it is compatible with his own purpose: to release the body of Adam, and thus return Earth to its legitimate owners.

He is ready to proceed with the plan.

***

Kaworu activates his Eva. No need to get inside, as he is its superior, and can do with it as he pleases… It is finally happening. He can feel that his love, Shinji, is getting close. And Kaworu himself is getting closer to Adam, to the dream. And where _is_ the boy?! He cannot wait anymore… 

He is there. Piloting his own loved-and-hated Eva. Kaworu feels the usual wave of warmth inside his chest. He tells Shinji that he has been waiting for him. But there is anger and confusion in Shinji’s eyes, and that makes Kaworu sad. It is not Shinji’s fault, though, he does not understand. Kaworu tries to explain, but Shinji will not listen, not in his current emotional state. Their Evas are fighting now. It hurts him to see Shinji’s pain, if he could just understand…

There is no time for that. Kaworu unfolds an A.T. field; the field that guards man’s soul. Shinji attacks, and penetrates the field. They are closer now, perhaps as close as they can ever possibly be. Kaworu turns back; he has a duty to fulfill. Shinji is calling for him. Kaworu just wants to hold him, but he cannot escape his fate. He keeps advancing towards Adam.

It is not Adam who stands in front of him, but Lilith; Kaworu realizes that he has been lied to. Merging with her will result in the destruction of the Lilin. But he is not of the Lilin, he will stay alive, without Shinji. He cannot bear that to happen, he will sacrifice himself, he will protect his love.

Shinji grabs him with the monumental Eva hand. Kaworu instructs the boy to kill him, since he does not care about life and death. He thanks him and dedicates him last words of love. He waits for Shinji to kill him. He does not want to perish yet, but the alternative would be allowing Shinji to die, and he cannot accept that. Why must one of them die…? Because Kaworu attacked, then why _did he_ attack? He knew all this from the beginning _right?_ He just cannot recall… Shinji is going to _kill him_ now, _Kaworu is going to die. But he cannot die, not yet…! It is to soon! It is not to fair! No, please no…! He cannot die! He wants to live, he wants more time with Shinji! He_


End file.
